i wasnt born this way, i chose to live my own way

my previous post was pretty bleh not gonna lie. sigh. my eyes are getting pretty sore and mummy just asked me what was my agenda for tomorrow. told her i was gonna head out to shop with my sisters only, not head out for breakfast with little e and gossip girl in the morning. i dont wanna disappoint my mummy anymore i seriously dont. forget about it, im already disappointing myself. i lack discipline and i lack focus. sometimes, i just want to remain being a new born innocent baby who hasnt even experienced the greatest thing one will ever experience: LIFE. i think stress has finally hit me. dont really feel the intenstity of it yet but im already feeling the heat. and i cant seem to cool down. 

its 10.30pm. i refuse to go to bed. i dont want to rest even though my eyes are getting pretty heavy. i want to study. i want to do my homework. i want to stay up and stay with the night and bask in the non-existant moonlight of which i cant be able to see. i'll do wtv it takes to be able to stay up by myself and get some knowledge in my head. i'll do wtv it takes to get my mummy to trust me again. i'll do wtv it takes for my mummy to be proud of me all over again. i dont think i have achieved any of that this yr. 2011, so far has been spectacular for me. i just dread having this lazy attitude of mine. its tough. but im motivated that i'll survive this obstacle that just wont seem to budge any sooner. perhaps, its a blessing in disguise. perhaps, its just a consequence from all the bad bitching i did behind ppl's back. i know i did some pretty bad stuff cos i know myself best. what i need to do now is to hit the books and ace my mid yr. and prepare myself for a good foundation and hence, to a college. im no longer gonna procrastinate. i'll take some initiative and try.