2012 got me experiencing so many different things!! If i could list all the different and new things ive done, the space probably wont be enough.
Coming at #78 of my list of different experiences, this particular experience is one that kind of took a toll on me - it enchanted me into a very pitiful state, a very pathetic state in fact because i finally felt what it was like to be alone.
And as i felt this new feeling, in my mind, i began to filter and process all the people i have turned down when they asked me out. I didnt really bother much about their feelings, how they felt when they got rejected and when they had no friends to hang out with. The feeling really sucks, mind you. I wished i could have felt like this years before so that i could learn to treat people better.
This holidays, i went out a mere 3 times with friends ONLY which was really freaking pathetic. When i was in sec 2, my social life was really at its peak - i went out on every single opportunity i could get, every school Fridays that were open, i went out with my friends. I dressed up like crazy, wore heels everytime, sneaked into movies that were clearly NOT FOR MY AGE, spent a lot of money, ate a lot, took so many pictures, had so many memories.
But now i cant be bothered with dressing up so fancily (just a frock + cardi or jeans would do), never wore heels or wedges anymore so i practically just lived in sandals and ballet flats, never went out on fridays (heck, now i dont even go out on a weekend), could live very very very very very comfortably with just 20 bucks in my wallet because i have awesome willpower when im on my own and i can hold back when i see a SALE sign. I could maximise that 20 dollars for up till 2 days which is really quite miraculous honestly because tell me now, how many of you could do that???? Now i dont have such a monstrous appetite anymore and having a little less than a bowl's worth of rice was really more than enough for me. Never camwhored when out with friends cause we felt like its a bit of a hassle which is somewhat quite quite......true. I find myself going home way earlier than before, and in fact i honestly cant rmb the last time i went home after 8pm.
As you guys read the abovementioned, i hope you're aware how im living my life now. Honestly, its not about the money, its not about self-improvement (ok maybe it is but no not this time), its not about having a lousy appetite, its not about having a lifetime amount of your parents' money to shop for whatever clothes you want but in fact, its really about making yourself happy.
I hope you guys could see me, how i am now. How much i have changed. My previous spirit is malnourished, gone and weak - entered into what i call insanity, heartache and forlorn. I have everything - a lovely family, a wonderful home, great food, great clothes. I have education. Love, security. Comfort.
But as much as i want to be right now, im not very happy :(
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