do you know

I dont know how others might feel about what im gonna type.
perhaps they might feel annoyed that im as sour as a soursop or as emo as an...emoji?

nonetheless, i'll just type out what i feel like saying. even if its not grammatically correct or doesnt make any sense to any of you, it does to me.

we got back most of our results today. i dont know whether to smile or cry. i cant really cheer myself up anymore cause what im feeling right now is just pure denial and that if i do comfort myself saying that i'll do better next time is something pretty vague to me.
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i just felt like i disappointed my mum. i used her money for my education. i used her money to buy new clothes. i depend on my mum. and my mum had faith in me doing well. and i too actually. i studied very hard for my mid years but what i got back is not a single trace or evidence of my blood sweat and tears. it hurts. it hurts so much to think that you're so stupid and when everyone comforts you saying that you're not stupid, you just cant be bothered by their words cause you know yourself best and that they're only saying that as they....did better and are happy with their results. but you're not. you're just not.

and this mid yr result just kills me in every way. i dont know how to face my mum. i dont know how she'll take it and i dont know what she's gonna say to me, to my bro, to my sis to my dad. i dont know if she can see my hard effort taking the initiative to study every single day for at least 2 hrs. i dont know if she can see that inside her little girl's mindset is only to accomplish one thing:

and its to just make you proud.

but here i am just crying my lungs out, not being able to breathe and wonder if thats really possible. can you wait for me? wait for me to make you happy and to make you proud even if it takes me longer than expected?

sorry mum if im a disappointment. but i'll accept any punishment you give me. i'll accept any single scolding any hurtful words...i will accept it all. cause im trying to change mum. i want you to see me succeed. cause i know thats what you want me to be. and you want me to be happy too.

but mum,........ i'll be over the moon if you can see me succeed.
i'll be so happy that no money no brand name can compare.

i just dont want to disappoint you anymore... );