I texted her saying i was sorry cause she went out to parkway.
She didnt reply.
When i said my thoughts the 2nd time round, i know it was harsh and pretty unexpected. You kept saying i changed and you said that i had a bad heart after what u heard me say. I dont hav a bad heart mum. I hav a too big of a heart. I care about people's feelings so much to the extent that i hav my own heart being shattered inside and you never know, in fact no one knows how the broken pieces were never pieced back. Ive been so vulnerable ever since this yr started, i've been in the most tragic positions and the most heartbreaking spots. But you fail to see how much im suffering cause i myself fail to show it to you.
It sux cause u cant feel what im feeling and you dont understand what im feeling and you dont compromise. And when dad but in, trying to settle us down, he raised his voice just a tinsy bit cos he heard u say that i hav a bad heart. Yeah im pretty sure he raised his tone because of that. I knew he was on my side and i knew my sister was on my side and i knew my bro was on my side. And then i saw you there being questioned and i told you to forget everything that i said and to not take it to heart. I told you that i'll stop it and i'll accept the fact that jason is cmg w us but im damn sure you didnt see my efforts trying to stop you from breaking down.
But you broke down as you left the dining table and my bro went to console you while sis went to console me and my dad went out to take a puff after comforting me a while. But i didnt break down cos i felt i was responsible and at that time i finally came to feel how you felt bringing me up all these years and all the responsibility and weight you had to carry on your thin shoulders. You didnt cry when you took care of me.
It felt like the roles were being reversed.
I was the mum and you were the 15 yr old. I didnt cry cause i didnt want to seem weak. So let me be the most comforting one that'll put my arms out to catch you when you fall in your darkest hour and let me be the one responsible for taking care of you like how you were just as responsible for taking care of me for the past 15 yrs. Let me suffer like how you suffered listening to my remarks and let me taste my own medicine.
You can be like how i was - vulnerable ever since this year started. Let me be the responsible one.
I just hope you'll talk to me again cos i dont want to hav your heart as shattered as mine. Seeing you hurt like this because of me is heartbreaking. So when you see me avoiding you, i worry that you think im cold, am a heartless person not willing to make the situation better. But i did text you mum. and you didnt reply.
Havent you noticed how little time i spent w you this yr? Have u actually noticed how i try to change to stop sucking so much money from you this year? Hav u actually noticed that ive already set my goals, im already trying hard to be a better person, im trying hard to be more respectful? Do you see that?
No you dont.
You're always outside. And when you come home, you'll see me on the dining table, eat w me for a while, talk a while and go upstairs. You do make effort. But its like you're always there but i cant feel you. Ever since jason came around, he's like a son to you. And i feel abandoned. Its like im no longer the youngest daughter, im no longer the darling in your eyes.
Ah just forget everything i said.
I need my mum back.
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