a little bit personal, controversial too

Naseha told me that hurting yourself for a guy is just plain stupid. 

and i couldnt agree more. 

in fact i think that youths nowadays give themselves lesser time to really think about their actions that they're wanting to do next. and these actions can actually kill them and just make you feel more depressed. and cutting yourself isnt really satisfying. you're just wasting your blood, your precious blood in your body that enables you to LIVE AND BE ALIVE.

hurting your body is just indirectly saying you hav no luv for it. treat it with more respect cause if you get hurt even more physically , the thought of having a doctor save you might not always happen. so you're always not lucky to be able to depend on someone just to save your life. the only person you can depend is on seriously yourself cause its you who has all the rights to your body. and no one else should give such influence to you to do bloody things to yourself. and your body,...is not made of plastic rubber or smtg that can be manufactured. its frickin ONE OF A KIND. why you gotta be like that and do gruesome things to your very own body. cause frankly i dont think its really fair. cause your body has been with you since the day you're in your mum's womb and it has never parted from you. its like a 2 in one deal. you cant work without one another.

there are people who are disabled. who LONG to hav even just a decent body. why you gotta be like that and hurt yourself all for a guy who'se not even worth as much as you. 

dont be some surgeon who cuts skin here cuts skin there at this age pls. who knows what happen if you really really cut ureself in the worst area and in the end the only thing you're able to do is just see your blood circulation not supporting you, your difficulty to grasp for air cos your heart gets weaker and weaker by the minute. and the next thing you know, you're not part of life anymore. 

think of the consequences. its true that the line between life and death is just too slim. think. cause that is what your brain is for.

even i like my body even though my leg has at least 10 itchy scars. and in case you didnt see the word AT LEAST, i've counted for you.

.

.

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18 damn scars on my leg. and dyou see me cut myself?

HELL NO.

the school blues

lol thats all i hav to say. have a great free sunday night guys. hell starts tmr!

shut up

you know those kind of moments where you just feel so down ALL OF A SUDDEN and its like you dont understand what caused you to be like that and you kind of know its not pms that's causing it but its just..someone and for some reason you just feel so beaten down and then there's like so many things bottled up in you and the only thing that can make you feel better is just sleep. but i hate sleep. sleep doesnt make me happy. in fact nothing ever has.

everyone's so frickin annoying right now its like i go to twitter and see bees just all up in my face and i want to sting them with my own power but in the end its me who get hurt cause i get stung back. its like im frickin sick right now and ppl think im faking it. its like everyone in the world just hates you and you dont know wth you did. its like when you play monopoly deal and you put the deal breaker and you're one set away from winning and the chosen player just slaps u down with a just say no card and you feel like such an idiot, you just feel like you're not frickin sane anymore and you know you're not a soreloser but the fact that you're so worked up is just that you hav already tried your best but then..your best is not frickin good enough. feeling that just burns me. it burns me down. and no one can bring me back up again cause every method is just plain useless and its like you just cant feel anything anymore except defeat and the next thing you wanna do is just go dead. yeah thats what im feeling now.

never say fml

When we were kids, the only things that we longed for were just...toys actually. we didnt really care about clothes cause it was all up to our parents to help us choose outfits for us. at least this is for me. i mean, the only thing i cared about was toys and i actually wanted to be a princess hence i participated in princess pageants, totally confident to unleash my passion for this. i wasnt insecure about myself, i didnt hate myself and in fact, ... i wasnt afraid. and now im thinking, where has this fearless girl gone to as her years just flew past without giving her any chance to plead to slow down.

yeh im so typical taylor swift. always thinking  that i would get every single thing i want and everything will be one happy ending for me and everything will be smooth sailing. and it was during these times where...everything was so easy. you didnt care much. and time passed by steadily caused everything was so happy. it was like bundles of joy every corner, every turn. and you luved everyone. and you werent fussy. you wake up in your mummy's bed and the sun was shining but it wasnt scorching hot. you'll lie nxt to ure favourite pillow and cuddle up with a bottle of milk and you see your mum near you. and then you tend to examine closer and you'll see no sign of stress in your mum's skin or soul. it was total bliss. life back then was everything except struggle. it was everything except hell.

and now its like a fake promise i tell myself everyday saying that life would be like those times. those times when i was in kindergarden. its impossible i know, to feel what we feel when we were young and totally innocent. the term fake can come in so many explanations- fake friends, fake food, fake id, fake iq, fake face. but you know whats not fake? to me, i believe life aint fake. in fact, life is the most beautiful thing that has ever been given to us. its like, the feeling of breathing is already a blessing in every single way. even though how stressful my life has become, just the thought of being able to be alive or to just breathe is mindblowing for me. its enough to make me smile. and its one huge pinkie promise i told myself that im very certain, very sure, very commited that i wont ever sell my life away. cause i am luving my 15 yrs like no other. and i wouldnt want it any other way.

battle me. my fighting spirit has always been there.

sexy poppers

Jan's sweet 16 was awesome!! watched laddaland with nas and yam and then had mad fine dinner at carousel and then proceeded back to royal scotts hotel where we'll be staying for the night. went for a midnight movie and lied to a cab driver that we were all mad smart chicks and caught tix to hangover 2. was the 2nd one to wake up in the morning and then went down the hotel to help jan carry macs breakfast back to the hotel in my frickin nightgown.. sincerely sincerely one of the best times i ever had <3
seeing these pictures makes me sad cause the holidays are ending in one more day and im not ready for school yet. i dont want to study. i think im going to just shop for a living. at least, thats smtg worth living for

bitchy

You know what.

i just really hate you. stop trying to think that you're blood related to this family just cause you've been with us for a few years. i mean yes we do treat you well but dont try to assume that you can teach me better than my mum. dont try to assume that your way of teaching me is better than my mum. it was never better. stop always thinking you're inside personal conversations, stop frickin lecturing me to hang my clothes, fold my clothes and stop throwing tantrums every single where conveying to my family that you've supposedly had "enough". dont nag at me, dont anger me and dont irritate me. but apparently you've already ticked the boxes that is more than enough to make me one pissed monster. i may be younger than you, but i hav more manners than you could ever think of. and guess what, it was my mum who taught me manners and proper etiquette. it was nvr you. so dont think you instantly changed my family to become a better family. ever since you came, the only thing that changed was our feelings for you. and im speaking this on the behalf of my siblings.

i dont like you.

Whats inside my bag

my bag was given as one of my 15th birthday presents. and its pretty much the bag that i often use to go out cause its easy matching and its fun to swing it here swing there. lol ok no i dont do that in public. but you know handbags might sometimes make you seem and feel much mature right? i dont really fancy handbags cause i want to remain the sweetest sailormoon ever hehe. but if you give me miumiu for a present, i'll use it for the rest of my life - NOT KIDDING.

Lol my photography skills...A+ ^ anw thats the bag...i've been constantly using. i do change it here and then but its my favourite bag and you can nvr go wrong with your fav bag right? ^-^

I think my bag consists all my necessary stuffs? except that im pretty sure one of my siblings stole my red umbrella from my bag cause i rmb its always with me when i go out and i always bring it without fail. and its a sexy umbrella. it'll be a great present for those ppl going on honeymoons. you can give them smtg red, like an umbrella (anything red actually) instead of the cliched lingerie that ppl always give. being a little more creative wont hurt right. and i always bring a beanie wherever i go. its great for bad hair days and when your fringe tends to get all loserised then you can just stabilise it with the beanie. and then i hav my banana boat sunblock (SPF 50 YA'LL) and then my mp3 which is pretty much the no.1 thing i need to hav and i hav an owl necklace nick gave me from his trip to...i cant rmb where haha! and im trying to figure out why i hav a protractor with me every single time. of course, without my wallet and my handphone, it wouldnt consider much of a bag anyway srsly speaking imo.

I know you all can be frickin kpo and maybe if i dont show u guys whats inside this bag you all might make up some guess that im hiding smtg naughty inside. fyi i hav no condoms under my sleeve so dont get too excited. soooo inside this etude house toiletries bag which my luvly eunice gav me from korea(!!!) is all my small little thingamajigs thats pretty essential in my life.

I always hav a spare battery with me just in case my mp3 dies on me. and yes I STILL DO rely on battery operated mp3's okay. it was like my primary 4 luv. and of course i hav a mirror which has some black and white catdog on the front of it and its been with me since primary school cause i got it from the bookshop for 70cents i think. sigh money in primary sch was so easy. all u needed was 2 bux and you're like one rich duckling.  i dont really use it that often though but it just has to be with me. 2 lip balms- one flower shaped  my dearest brenda gav to me for xmas and another lipsmacker my sis got from sydney. 2 contact lens cases on the go cause i just feel like bringing it along and of course my hand sanitiser and cheap-o comb which is still a comb. maybe i shud paint it so that i can bring some merlormoon feel to my hair. how wondrous my years will be to come.

Had only wore this dress once in my whole life. totally forgot about it being in my wardrobe. yikes