New Year

A few days before the start of a spanking new year, I asked my dad about his own New Years resolution at Mcdonalds when we were having breakfast. 

He told me that this year he would like to be a more reserved person. 

At that time I was a little bit amused. Maybe it's because of how we were in a very so-called 'juvenile' environment in Mcdonalds where being serious is the last thing to do.. Surrounded by little kids, and family lunch get-togethers. Or maybe it's because he suddenly got so serious when I asked him something so simple. 

My dad is a lot like me. He likes to joke around and he isn't really a serious person. He has a very unique sense of humor that is very likable about him and he does things very lightheartedly. It's just very comforting to be around my dad. 

Most people don't know how my dad looks like except for a few but he is really someone who character-wise, is a joker. 

When he told me he wanted to be a more reserved person, I kind of kept silent because he was so serious about the new year wish. 

Maybe it's the coming of age for my dad. But I really respect him! 

Being a reserved person.. Makes you a better person too am I right? It makes me want to be like him too! 

I have thought about my New Years resolution a couple of times but then I got a little overwhelmed by all the things that I want to be able to accomplish by the end of this year. 

Trust me. When I say it's overwhelming me, it really is! I get super detailed and hard on myself when I'm planning and target-setting so much so that I get very serious and moody.

This 2014, as cliche as it may sound, I just want to be a better person than in 2013. To be spiritually stable, academically successful, and happy. To be humble and to not be lonely. I want to live this year spreading love and light, to be able to kill people with kindness and to establish a better relationship with my God, and my loved ones. To treat people better, to be less of a grumpy frump, to be more patient, to be understanding and to just be successful in everything that I do.

But..... All in all i just want to think before i act and to be a more reserved person.  I think i just want to be like my dad :-) 

In a nutshell: 2013

This year left me gasping for air. 

I was genuinely afraid that I couldn't keep up with how fast everything was and how things got so different so quick. To say I was on an emotional roller coaster would be an extreme understatement because what I endured for this past year was far more treacherous and exhausting than the previous years that have passed. 

Not only have I learnt (and cried) a lot academically, I have felt a lot too. 

Many of my friends are very well aware that my heart is hard to break and I am FAR from an emotional wreck and miles away from turning into soft jelly (emotionally) but this year, I have understood the true meaning of genuine compassion and love. I learnt that in life we must treat others how we want them to be treated and we must do things with heart. We must have good intentions. 

To be frank, I am very guilty for not being the nicest person on earth but believe me, I am trying to change. 

I have hurt many people in my life. People I love and even acquaintances that have made the effort to get to know me. I tend to shun people away with how nonchalant I am towards them and even after reciprocating in a rather negative fashion, and HURTING THEM, I still don't feel guilty how I have scarred a fraction or more of their feelings. This is one thing my mum always nags at me about. She claims that i am kind-hearted. But I tend to be very bitter towards people who have done absolutely no wrong. 

I felt the pain and horror of being lonely too. Excruciating. A stab in the most sensitive cell. A heartwrenching ache. I don't want anyone to feel how I felt a few months ago. Because its something that I genuinely think can make people crazy.. Can make people feel suicidal and hateful. It's a deep hole that I think not everyone can make out from alive.

Before this gets any more depressing, I will say that... Things that screw you up like these will be the reasons why you grow up and LEARN. Cliche I know!! I know how boring and predictable this sentence gets but life is like that! It screws you up and makes you have bad days and makes you cry your heart out but then it forces you to just move on because somewhere deep in the back of your freaking head will be common sense. And common sense WILL WILL WILL just tell you to suck it up and go forward because that will be the only way you will learn. Everyone will have these kind of moments. It's just at different intervals in life. The problem is everyone just seems to lose faith and aimlessly just carry on which is the wrong thing. Oh my god just don't give up! Think a little. 

The current is never calm but along the way you'll collect yourself a few precious gems. GOOD friends will make you sane and stay afloat in tough weather and will make you warm and fuzzy when things get uncomfortable. I am thankful that I have friends like these. I won't mention them but I'm sure they know who they are. 

2013 was one heck of a year. Difficult, emotional and bittersweet. It gave me little time to breathe but it gave me a chance to think. 

It was a very impactful year. And one that I will always remember. 

:-) 

AN UPDATE OF MY EVER SO MUNDANE LIFE

Recently i downloaded Dayre on my iPhone.

Its this mobile application which allows you to blog more conveniently, post photos and read other people's posts while you're on the go. Its definitely a more convenient and accessible alternative as compared to the trusty ole' blogger website where (although there is a blogger application but it kinda sux) you kind of have to blog from either your laptop or a big computer. 

I gotta admit. I do admire the functionality of Dayre but the satisfaction i get from brewing up a post is definitely much less! Unfortunately on Dayre you have a word limit which just SUCKS big time because usually i have a lot to say and i tend to beat around the bush. 

Im not looking for a blogging alternative to hone my summary or paraphrasing skills. No. I want a blog where i am able to pour everything out and just sit down and collect my thoughts with no interruption. 

I hate word limits! It stops you from FULLY expressing yourself, and it prevents you from de-cluttering your thoughts. Blogging is supposed to be free! Oh how the irony! How can a blogging platform restrict you from babbling away when the sole purpose of blogging itself is to be yourself and to share your opinions and your notions and your views and your feelings and your stories and your yadadadadada!!! 

Screw it seriously!

The only time i will appreciate such a constricting and annoying word limit will be ten years down the road when im finishing my thesis paper. THAT will be something i'll appreciate. Not this. 

A tiny tiny post

December has finally arrived and it has been really reminiscent of winter wonderland!! 

Ok the winter part not so much but the weather here has been unbelievably amazing. It's cold and chilly averaging at about 26 degrees. So thankful! It's been far too long since we've been spoiled with this kind of ramen weather. 

I've been snuggling under my duvets, accompanied by a good read, great wi-fi and of course a hot cup of milo. It gets fun being lonesome because that's when you really have time to sit down and collect your thoughts and do everything in your own pace! 

A few more weeks and school will be creeping up. Stay warm! :) 

Dream come true

EVER SINCE 2005....

WAITED ALL MY LIFE FOR THIS...

AND IM FINALLY GOING

.

.

.

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SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

*Confetti* 

bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My future plans.

I think, as the years go by, I tend to become a tad bit indecisive. 

It's frustrating! 

My route to success was flawless. From A levels I told myself I will do well, get into a great local university and get a degree for Communication studies. This part is signed, sealed, delivered. SETTLED. This route I will not mess up. 

It has been my lifelong dream to be a newscaster. I gotta admit. I love the camera. I like to read the news, I like to open my mouth and talk; to convey something whether it be a small message that made zero sense or a huge controversial piece that got everyone talking. How nice would it be! To be able to be on television, all dolled up and fancy, have everyone respect you and tune in to you and LISTEN TO YOU while you read the news on live tv everyday. 

To me, it seems like a dream. 

Then when I began to be more independent and more self-aware, I had this strong desire to partake in the fashion industry. Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be a part of something as fabulous as vogue Italia or harpers bazaar since i sashayed in princess dresses and was awarded 2nd for being barbie of swan lake (it was a pageant) but the desire was not overwhelming. It was surprisingly quite subtle. But now, I feel this really......strong gravitational pull to be a fashion editor of a high end magazine. I personally think that you will have a greater edge over people once youre involved in the fashion industry. its like people tend to respect you and they wont belittle you because you are a part of something as influential and highly competitive AND that will get them to acknowledge you!!! how much cooler can it get? it may be hard, arduous work but it lets your passion show, something you genuinely love, something you really enjoy and look forward to despite how much you're close to breaking and how intense the whole industry  is. but you know what they always say: if you live your life doing something you personally love, your job wont be considered as work. 

Then, the most shocking thing happened. 

Lets start things out nice and slow with a little brief background. Ever since I was very young, I hated to fly in aero planes. I found it weird how a plane was able to handle and hold so many people without doing much. It still fears me till today. Everytime I fly, I get EXTREMELY weary and the discomfort gets to me. Handling a 45min flight from Singapore to KL gives me the shivers too let alone my 12h (or was it 7??) flight from Singapore to London. I hated to fly. I never enjoyed it. Each experience catapults me to super frenzy mode and the only thing that occupies me while flying is to silently pray to god, to look over me and my family AND THE PLANE, to land us safely and save me from such purgatory and pain. 

But then. My mum told me.

"Hey why don't you try to be an air stewardess"

At first I thought. "Silly idea". But then as I thought about it, I figured, hey it might not be such a bad thing.  Air stewardesses, even though the peak of their jobs don't really last very long, gets really excellent salary. And money, like how everyone exclaims, makes the world go around. And unfortunately, and very much guiltily, it makes me go around too. 

But I'm still thinking about it. It'll perhaps be the kind of plan that ill carry out when nothing of the abovementioned works and the final option willl just be a flight attendant. It'll be my last resort. (Emphasis on the LAST) (inserts synonyms of last e.g final)

But I'm not hoping for much though. given the indecisive individual that I can be, who knows,...and who can ever know (except god) that I might even forgo the abovementioned 3 and find another calling that I might not have even thought about in my life. 

One thing I AM certain of though. It's that I will nt allow myself to live a bleak and drab life. Because once things go immensely dull and dry, you tend to lose the essence of life and your motive to live will die down. 

And I will not allow myself nor anyone around me, to live a life with no meaning, no vigour, no passion, and no sunshine. This is a promise that I will never break. 

The past few months.

If I had to sum up my first few months in school in one word, it'll be treacherous. Up till now, I'm not fond of my new school. I appreciate it taking me in so that I can experience a solid route to the ever so prestigious a levels but other than that, I don't really have much to say.

Perhaps it's just the environment, the student population, the curriculum. Maybe just maybe. But I can't really put my finger on it. It could very well be even my ignorant outlook on things being run in this school.

This year will forever be etched in my mind because I felt what it was like to lose myself. I felt like I was being forced to do things; like a stringed puppet, a robot specifically wired and engineered to be controlled by people. The simplest things that got me happy, like writing a literature essay, became a task so drab and unworthy. At this particular time, I was emotionally, a mess. There wasn't anyone to turn to because I figured, it could just be a phase- and phases always go away. But I also figured that, this whole predicament that I was going through could very well break me into pieces and the most unfortunate thing that can ever happen, was that I might not even be able to help pick myself up again. 

I didn't know what I was doing. I did everything, though. Everything my teacher told me to do- From class assignments to oral presentations to little itty bitty projects that only weighed 10%. I came to school on time, didnt gallivant after school. Heck yes I was a good student.

But I didn't see the motive of me doing that. I just couldn't see the point. I felt like I was in a asylum. A grey, nasty asylum where there was no trace of a single stroke of colour nor was there one little baby seedling that had the potential to bloom. There was just no livelihood or character in anything that I was performing. 

My life was so boring. I was going out of my mind! Everything was so scripted, so fake. Even if you didn't like to do something you just had to do it. No compromises, no negotiations, no leeway to freaking mess up. Success is definitely key, huh? i felt like they expected me to be nothing less but perfect.... To be so spanking perfect that not even a single stain of misconduct could destroy me.

Living all the way in the east, I detested the distance so much. In exception of the rare golden days that daddy sent me to school, going to school itself was such a taxing chore. Especially on the days where I had to stand for 45mins on the train because.... Well... You know..... Kiasu Singaporeans. 

It just overwhelmed me. The fatigue, the distance, the environment in the school. The stress. Oh the stress! Who would knew that such stress could accumulate into a living breathing monster? Who knew that stress could...could... Cripple you into this giant mess that you never asked for??!!!!

Who knew man...

Who knew.... that i could be so affected 

so defeated 

so..so devastated by something so minuscule by this... 

Such a pity. 

I didn't ask for this.