The past few months.

If I had to sum up my first few months in school in one word, it'll be treacherous. Up till now, I'm not fond of my new school. I appreciate it taking me in so that I can experience a solid route to the ever so prestigious a levels but other than that, I don't really have much to say.

Perhaps it's just the environment, the student population, the curriculum. Maybe just maybe. But I can't really put my finger on it. It could very well be even my ignorant outlook on things being run in this school.

This year will forever be etched in my mind because I felt what it was like to lose myself. I felt like I was being forced to do things; like a stringed puppet, a robot specifically wired and engineered to be controlled by people. The simplest things that got me happy, like writing a literature essay, became a task so drab and unworthy. At this particular time, I was emotionally, a mess. There wasn't anyone to turn to because I figured, it could just be a phase- and phases always go away. But I also figured that, this whole predicament that I was going through could very well break me into pieces and the most unfortunate thing that can ever happen, was that I might not even be able to help pick myself up again. 

I didn't know what I was doing. I did everything, though. Everything my teacher told me to do- From class assignments to oral presentations to little itty bitty projects that only weighed 10%. I came to school on time, didnt gallivant after school. Heck yes I was a good student.

But I didn't see the motive of me doing that. I just couldn't see the point. I felt like I was in a asylum. A grey, nasty asylum where there was no trace of a single stroke of colour nor was there one little baby seedling that had the potential to bloom. There was just no livelihood or character in anything that I was performing. 

My life was so boring. I was going out of my mind! Everything was so scripted, so fake. Even if you didn't like to do something you just had to do it. No compromises, no negotiations, no leeway to freaking mess up. Success is definitely key, huh? i felt like they expected me to be nothing less but perfect.... To be so spanking perfect that not even a single stain of misconduct could destroy me.

Living all the way in the east, I detested the distance so much. In exception of the rare golden days that daddy sent me to school, going to school itself was such a taxing chore. Especially on the days where I had to stand for 45mins on the train because.... Well... You know..... Kiasu Singaporeans. 

It just overwhelmed me. The fatigue, the distance, the environment in the school. The stress. Oh the stress! Who would knew that such stress could accumulate into a living breathing monster? Who knew that stress could...could... Cripple you into this giant mess that you never asked for??!!!!

Who knew man...

Who knew.... that i could be so affected 

so defeated 

so..so devastated by something so minuscule by this... 

Such a pity. 

I didn't ask for this.