In a nutshell: 2013

This year left me gasping for air. 

I was genuinely afraid that I couldn't keep up with how fast everything was and how things got so different so quick. To say I was on an emotional roller coaster would be an extreme understatement because what I endured for this past year was far more treacherous and exhausting than the previous years that have passed. 

Not only have I learnt (and cried) a lot academically, I have felt a lot too. 

Many of my friends are very well aware that my heart is hard to break and I am FAR from an emotional wreck and miles away from turning into soft jelly (emotionally) but this year, I have understood the true meaning of genuine compassion and love. I learnt that in life we must treat others how we want them to be treated and we must do things with heart. We must have good intentions. 

To be frank, I am very guilty for not being the nicest person on earth but believe me, I am trying to change. 

I have hurt many people in my life. People I love and even acquaintances that have made the effort to get to know me. I tend to shun people away with how nonchalant I am towards them and even after reciprocating in a rather negative fashion, and HURTING THEM, I still don't feel guilty how I have scarred a fraction or more of their feelings. This is one thing my mum always nags at me about. She claims that i am kind-hearted. But I tend to be very bitter towards people who have done absolutely no wrong. 

I felt the pain and horror of being lonely too. Excruciating. A stab in the most sensitive cell. A heartwrenching ache. I don't want anyone to feel how I felt a few months ago. Because its something that I genuinely think can make people crazy.. Can make people feel suicidal and hateful. It's a deep hole that I think not everyone can make out from alive.

Before this gets any more depressing, I will say that... Things that screw you up like these will be the reasons why you grow up and LEARN. Cliche I know!! I know how boring and predictable this sentence gets but life is like that! It screws you up and makes you have bad days and makes you cry your heart out but then it forces you to just move on because somewhere deep in the back of your freaking head will be common sense. And common sense WILL WILL WILL just tell you to suck it up and go forward because that will be the only way you will learn. Everyone will have these kind of moments. It's just at different intervals in life. The problem is everyone just seems to lose faith and aimlessly just carry on which is the wrong thing. Oh my god just don't give up! Think a little. 

The current is never calm but along the way you'll collect yourself a few precious gems. GOOD friends will make you sane and stay afloat in tough weather and will make you warm and fuzzy when things get uncomfortable. I am thankful that I have friends like these. I won't mention them but I'm sure they know who they are. 

2013 was one heck of a year. Difficult, emotional and bittersweet. It gave me little time to breathe but it gave me a chance to think. 

It was a very impactful year. And one that I will always remember. 

:-) 

AN UPDATE OF MY EVER SO MUNDANE LIFE

Recently i downloaded Dayre on my iPhone.

Its this mobile application which allows you to blog more conveniently, post photos and read other people's posts while you're on the go. Its definitely a more convenient and accessible alternative as compared to the trusty ole' blogger website where (although there is a blogger application but it kinda sux) you kind of have to blog from either your laptop or a big computer. 

I gotta admit. I do admire the functionality of Dayre but the satisfaction i get from brewing up a post is definitely much less! Unfortunately on Dayre you have a word limit which just SUCKS big time because usually i have a lot to say and i tend to beat around the bush. 

Im not looking for a blogging alternative to hone my summary or paraphrasing skills. No. I want a blog where i am able to pour everything out and just sit down and collect my thoughts with no interruption. 

I hate word limits! It stops you from FULLY expressing yourself, and it prevents you from de-cluttering your thoughts. Blogging is supposed to be free! Oh how the irony! How can a blogging platform restrict you from babbling away when the sole purpose of blogging itself is to be yourself and to share your opinions and your notions and your views and your feelings and your stories and your yadadadadada!!! 

Screw it seriously!

The only time i will appreciate such a constricting and annoying word limit will be ten years down the road when im finishing my thesis paper. THAT will be something i'll appreciate. Not this. 

A tiny tiny post

December has finally arrived and it has been really reminiscent of winter wonderland!! 

Ok the winter part not so much but the weather here has been unbelievably amazing. It's cold and chilly averaging at about 26 degrees. So thankful! It's been far too long since we've been spoiled with this kind of ramen weather. 

I've been snuggling under my duvets, accompanied by a good read, great wi-fi and of course a hot cup of milo. It gets fun being lonesome because that's when you really have time to sit down and collect your thoughts and do everything in your own pace! 

A few more weeks and school will be creeping up. Stay warm! :) 

Dream come true

EVER SINCE 2005....

WAITED ALL MY LIFE FOR THIS...

AND IM FINALLY GOING

.

.

.

.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

*Confetti* 

bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My future plans.

I think, as the years go by, I tend to become a tad bit indecisive. 

It's frustrating! 

My route to success was flawless. From A levels I told myself I will do well, get into a great local university and get a degree for Communication studies. This part is signed, sealed, delivered. SETTLED. This route I will not mess up. 

It has been my lifelong dream to be a newscaster. I gotta admit. I love the camera. I like to read the news, I like to open my mouth and talk; to convey something whether it be a small message that made zero sense or a huge controversial piece that got everyone talking. How nice would it be! To be able to be on television, all dolled up and fancy, have everyone respect you and tune in to you and LISTEN TO YOU while you read the news on live tv everyday. 

To me, it seems like a dream. 

Then when I began to be more independent and more self-aware, I had this strong desire to partake in the fashion industry. Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be a part of something as fabulous as vogue Italia or harpers bazaar since i sashayed in princess dresses and was awarded 2nd for being barbie of swan lake (it was a pageant) but the desire was not overwhelming. It was surprisingly quite subtle. But now, I feel this really......strong gravitational pull to be a fashion editor of a high end magazine. I personally think that you will have a greater edge over people once youre involved in the fashion industry. its like people tend to respect you and they wont belittle you because you are a part of something as influential and highly competitive AND that will get them to acknowledge you!!! how much cooler can it get? it may be hard, arduous work but it lets your passion show, something you genuinely love, something you really enjoy and look forward to despite how much you're close to breaking and how intense the whole industry  is. but you know what they always say: if you live your life doing something you personally love, your job wont be considered as work. 

Then, the most shocking thing happened. 

Lets start things out nice and slow with a little brief background. Ever since I was very young, I hated to fly in aero planes. I found it weird how a plane was able to handle and hold so many people without doing much. It still fears me till today. Everytime I fly, I get EXTREMELY weary and the discomfort gets to me. Handling a 45min flight from Singapore to KL gives me the shivers too let alone my 12h (or was it 7??) flight from Singapore to London. I hated to fly. I never enjoyed it. Each experience catapults me to super frenzy mode and the only thing that occupies me while flying is to silently pray to god, to look over me and my family AND THE PLANE, to land us safely and save me from such purgatory and pain. 

But then. My mum told me.

"Hey why don't you try to be an air stewardess"

At first I thought. "Silly idea". But then as I thought about it, I figured, hey it might not be such a bad thing.  Air stewardesses, even though the peak of their jobs don't really last very long, gets really excellent salary. And money, like how everyone exclaims, makes the world go around. And unfortunately, and very much guiltily, it makes me go around too. 

But I'm still thinking about it. It'll perhaps be the kind of plan that ill carry out when nothing of the abovementioned works and the final option willl just be a flight attendant. It'll be my last resort. (Emphasis on the LAST) (inserts synonyms of last e.g final)

But I'm not hoping for much though. given the indecisive individual that I can be, who knows,...and who can ever know (except god) that I might even forgo the abovementioned 3 and find another calling that I might not have even thought about in my life. 

One thing I AM certain of though. It's that I will nt allow myself to live a bleak and drab life. Because once things go immensely dull and dry, you tend to lose the essence of life and your motive to live will die down. 

And I will not allow myself nor anyone around me, to live a life with no meaning, no vigour, no passion, and no sunshine. This is a promise that I will never break. 

The past few months.

If I had to sum up my first few months in school in one word, it'll be treacherous. Up till now, I'm not fond of my new school. I appreciate it taking me in so that I can experience a solid route to the ever so prestigious a levels but other than that, I don't really have much to say.

Perhaps it's just the environment, the student population, the curriculum. Maybe just maybe. But I can't really put my finger on it. It could very well be even my ignorant outlook on things being run in this school.

This year will forever be etched in my mind because I felt what it was like to lose myself. I felt like I was being forced to do things; like a stringed puppet, a robot specifically wired and engineered to be controlled by people. The simplest things that got me happy, like writing a literature essay, became a task so drab and unworthy. At this particular time, I was emotionally, a mess. There wasn't anyone to turn to because I figured, it could just be a phase- and phases always go away. But I also figured that, this whole predicament that I was going through could very well break me into pieces and the most unfortunate thing that can ever happen, was that I might not even be able to help pick myself up again. 

I didn't know what I was doing. I did everything, though. Everything my teacher told me to do- From class assignments to oral presentations to little itty bitty projects that only weighed 10%. I came to school on time, didnt gallivant after school. Heck yes I was a good student.

But I didn't see the motive of me doing that. I just couldn't see the point. I felt like I was in a asylum. A grey, nasty asylum where there was no trace of a single stroke of colour nor was there one little baby seedling that had the potential to bloom. There was just no livelihood or character in anything that I was performing. 

My life was so boring. I was going out of my mind! Everything was so scripted, so fake. Even if you didn't like to do something you just had to do it. No compromises, no negotiations, no leeway to freaking mess up. Success is definitely key, huh? i felt like they expected me to be nothing less but perfect.... To be so spanking perfect that not even a single stain of misconduct could destroy me.

Living all the way in the east, I detested the distance so much. In exception of the rare golden days that daddy sent me to school, going to school itself was such a taxing chore. Especially on the days where I had to stand for 45mins on the train because.... Well... You know..... Kiasu Singaporeans. 

It just overwhelmed me. The fatigue, the distance, the environment in the school. The stress. Oh the stress! Who would knew that such stress could accumulate into a living breathing monster? Who knew that stress could...could... Cripple you into this giant mess that you never asked for??!!!!

Who knew man...

Who knew.... that i could be so affected 

so defeated 

so..so devastated by something so minuscule by this... 

Such a pity. 

I didn't ask for this. 

Temasek Poly

Hello!! TODAY THE WEATHER WAS INSANE.

Ive never heard the weather go up to 35 degrees before! I believe the monsoon rain has stopped so the sun will be in my face soon.

I had the urge to visit TP because i heard the place was home to my most beloved course! Its like ive been yearning to get into mass comm because its really FOR ME.

I initially wanted to go to ngee ann because it had the best mass comm and we are able to minus a point from our scores which will make it relatively easier to go in but i decided that ngee ann was ridiculous in terms of the distance. There's no way im going to take a 1 hour ride via mrt, take a bus and walk a few metres to reach the school. There is really no way im able to put in that much effort especially when the sun is burning my skin like its freaking burning chicken wings.

Temasek Poly was GREAT! I loved everything about it! It was clean and the courses appealed to me and the people there (i guess) are pretty approachable and definitely friendly. It was like my calling. And the layout of the school is nice and its HUGE and i always LOVE A HUGE SCHOOL.

And there's this huge open area intersection which is mad love! Imagine walking there and meeting your friends! Its so cute... >.<

The cut off point for apparel design and merchandising is around 15-16. Its one of my choices because i love fashion but the most disappointing fact about it is the fact that i have to draw in the course! I cannot draw to save my life. You give me a pencil and a piece of paper, the best thing that i can come up with is probably draw a few flowers and doodle a heart or two because thats really the only thing i can draw.

Once, during o level prep, i was drawing a cuboid and when i showed it to my friend, he was like "what the fuck is that? why so lopsided". I mean, ANYONE can draw a cuboid right? But i cant!! Its like impossible for me. The level of symmetry is like so advanced. I really cant make it look proportionate and overall it'll just look like a mess!

And i mad want the pink design tee! But if i get into mass comm, i'll be getting a yellow one which is cute also but yknow..........pink...........vs........yellow......of course...pink.

I hope so hard i can get into mass comm! Even though the cut off point is quite high (11-13). But god please hear my prayers! I deserve something wonderful too...

Tumblr tag

Had the urge to complete one of these tags. It looks so satisfying i just had to give it a shot!

1. What is your ultimate OTP and why?

Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty. If you're asking for something out of the fantasy fairy tale book, i would have to say....................Phyras and Naseha ;P

2. If you won a million dollars, how would you spend it?

Give a large portion to my parents. GO FREAKING SHOPPING UNTIL I BURN MY TOES FROM WALKING

3. Whom is your spirit animal? Why?

Had to google what is spirit animal...not gonna answer this question because i believe it kind of questions my religious faith. Im not a pagan.....

4. What is your favorite video game?

SOUL CALLIBUR, TEKKEN, STREET FIGHTER, STREET FIGHTER ALPHA , STREET FIGHTER X TEKKEN, SIMS (just because i can have more than 1 wife and that takes skills!!)

5. Where are you from?

Im from Singapore a.k.a the country that bans gum and i support it (Y)

6. Describe one sexual fantasy you have. (I know you at least have one! >:P)

Hmm............i really never thought about this! honest!

7. What is one thing that you would change about yourself if you could?

It is to have a smaller butt.

.

8. Do you have any unusual talents? Share one.

I can differentiate different brands of rice, diff types of rice. 

9. What is your favorite holiday?

School hols for going out and resting. Basically any holiday that can make me have all the free channels.

10. What is one language that you wish you were fluent in?

Korean. 

11. Name one superpower ability you would love to have.

The power to persuade people.

12. Why’d you join Tumblr?

I wanted to see why it has such a great gravitational pull on people.

   

13. Do you want to get married? Have kids?

Yes, and yes. :-)

14. What are your goals for 2013?

Be damn smart, be a better Muslim and channel my inner fashionista? 

   

15. Who was your last heartbreak and why?

Mei youh laaaii

16. Bra size?

I dont know exactly but im an A 

17. Name six things you wish you could do for now.

-Get back my skinny figure

-Get rid of the scars on my legs ): 

-Become famous hahahahaaha like xiaxue so i can get a lot of sponsors

-Have fantastic hair

-Be VERY PHOTOGENIC 

-Meet the SM town family

  

18. Who was your celebrity obsession in middle school? (We all had one. Don’t lie.)

Someone korean. Duh

   

19. Plans after high school?

The main goal is university

    

20. Would you ever have sex with one of your teachers? Current or past.

Never. 

    

21. Any regrets?

Where should i start

     

22. Orbit or 5 gum?

??? vat is this

23. Name 5 things you like about yourself. (Really do it, I know you can!)

I like my rebuttals, im kind, my sense of humour, i guesss i can dance....hehe, the fact that im keen on literary interests (does the abovementioned count?)

24. Do you have any pets? (If yes, tell me about them!)

I had many types of fishes when i was younger. From the lohan to the goldfish. Then i had a hamster who died after 2 years. His name was 'Atan Jimmy'. Pronounced as ah-tahn-jee-mee

25. Who’s your favorite Superhero? Why?

I like cyclops and nightcrawler from xman. They're not useless. 

26. Who’s your current celebrity obsession(s)?

Exo

27. What’s your favorite band/musician? (And check out Cry Monster Cry)

Exo, dbsk. Anyone from SM.

28. What’s your passion? (Like photography, drawing, singing, etc.)

I like to write. & very keen on fashion

29. What’s your favorite animal? Why?

This is tough! I generally like every animal except amphibians and reptiles (excluding turtles)

30. What are your sexual fantasies? (with who?(; )

I dont think about sex when i see someone cute.

31. Beverage of choice?

Ice horlicks or coke.

32. What weird habit do you have?

I check the rice cooker every 30-45 mins or every hour.

33. What’s one thing you’ve been wanting to say to someone that you don’t have the courage to tell them? ( Person you love, parents, best friend, sibling, etc.)

I appreciate all of you <3

Still living in the past

Call me clingy, but yes im still dwelling in 2012. 

Pretty ironic for someone like me who stated that she doesnt like to dwell in the past or doesnt like people who dwell in the past but this time, i really cant help it. 

Shall i share my regrets of 2012? 

Apart from my "heartwarming" message about my mum which is also one of the HUGEST regret of last year, the next biggest regret was definitely school. 

No, not that i regret going to school. 

Its more like i regret not using my brain. 

I will be totally honest here and say nothing but the truth but i really regret not studying harder. I only studied smartly after prelims which was like 4 more weeks to o levels? That was when i consistently visited the library from its opening hours and stayed until its closing hours. 

I didnt even have tuition and it was at this point of time where i stopped attending school because i felt school was just a waste of time. When im in school, the weather is humid as hell and i feel like im a freaking smoke room or sauna. I COULDNT BREATHE IN SCHOOL. I HATED SCHOOL. 

I attended a few night studies which helped a lot but i hated it when my friends sat with me because i wanted to give maximum attention to my books but my friends were like so awesome to talk to and they did help me on some sums but i felt like i kind of lost an opportunity to fully consult a teacher. My fault, my fault. 

During extra math class, i didnt really do work. I merely did very very basic work so that i could get everything right and feel better about myself haha and during extra math class i dont really consult the teacher cause i knew how to do everything - any work that she had given me YES EVERYTHING i could fully or if not on the whole knew how to do. 

I dont study at home. Because my sofa is a killer. I dont study in my room because my bed is there. So i could only study in the dining room but its so noisy (to me) so that was when i started to retreat to the library. 

When O levels began, i was quite prepared but i screwed up 2 papers which were really like the death of me. Before the literature exam, i didnt even study (i swear). I never remembered any quotes, i didnt even read the 2 books, i only recapped the 2 books with clement in like 10minutes. I could do the lit paper but is it 'A' WORTHY? If i dont get an A for lit, its official that i have cheated myself because lit is my forte man....If i dont have lit, i honestly have nothing.

Now a few days away to getting my results and im freaking out. I hope you guys can pray for me :(  Hehe sorry for being shameless but haish.....i really need all the help i can get.

So there it is, one of my biggest regrets. 

In my life

Excuse for the day

I WILL BLOG SOON I PROMISE PLS BELIEVE ME~